Living with my own ugly thoughts

I'm not a good person.

I know that.

So if anyone ever tell you "Ah, orangnya aslinya nggak sebaik apa yang dia tulis di media sosial" about me, then probably they are right. When I write 'kind things' on social media, most likely because I want to highlight such thoughts inside me. I want myself to be kinder. I've been living as myself for more than twenty years to understand that I have ugly thoughts popping out in my head here and there, and I'm trying hard not to keep them; to push them away. I know too well that plenty of times, I'm struggling with how to 'detox myself' because I don't think I can contain them. I have to get them out somewhere. And there are also times when I cannot kill those ugly thoughts alone, even if I know they are ugly and evil. When I decide to tell people that "You know, I have these thoughts and I know they are awful, please help me by validating how wrong they are", I realize they might draw a conclusion that says, "Eh whoa this person is actually toxic and she's showing her true self" instead. Not as a detox process which happens because I don't want those toxins inside of me. It is something I have to learn to accept that I cannot make people conclude things the only way I hope them to.

I know how my ugly thoughts make me assume the worst from everyone and it's cruel, it's unfair. Sometimes I want myself to die and sometimes I want another person to get the hell out of this world, when in fact, death wish is never okay. Sometimes I hate someone for no reason. Sometimes I think how nice it'd be if everyone else becomes miserable. I had those thoughts inside my head. And I'm still figuring things out, finding out how to deal with them better.

I'm not the most sympathetic person. I'm incapable of handling many situations regarding other people's emotions. I am too afraid to say things other than the standard-and-obligatory "I'm sorry" because I don't know to face these situations. I couldn't say things like, "I feel your pain" because I don't. I don't understand it. I'm not the one feeling and experiencing it. I feel so distant to it and realizing that I feel nothing confuses me. It freaks me out. Therefore, plenty of times, I opted to run. I did not address their emotions. And at some other times, I resorted to do something that at the end of the day get perceived as ignorance. Or even worse, hurt others.

I need to learn to accept that albeit I'm trying to correct myself—and keep stumbling and fumbling in the process, whether or not other people will wait or give me a chance, it's not for me to decide. There are apologies that I can never tell to people I've hurt. There are moments when I can never get a chance to say how regretful I am for being hurtful and I have to live with that. There are explanations for misunderstanding and mistakes I can never convey because the damages they made are too big and everything will sound like excuses.

I am not a good person.

I have far too many shortfalls.
Any bad thing you've heard about me can be true.

For everyone I've ever met in my life who cares enough toーwhen I mess things up or wrong you (or somebody else)ーproperly scold me and point out my mistake when I'm blind to it, thank you. Probably you'll just let everything out and walk away after that, not wanting to have anything to do with me again, and it's something I need to accept. I honestly hope I can have at least someone who will allow me to reflect and grow as a person,  to keep seeing me as a human being, to not giving up on me, but I've realized it's not up to me. 

I'm still not a good person.
Yet maybe, maybe, as long as I'm not giving up on myself, I can still be better.

z. d. imama