Monday, 11 December 2017

Strings and binding

Believe it or not, I'm not glorifying the act of suicide. Saya tidak akan menyebutnya perilaku heroik, atau istilah-istilah menggelora lain, namun mengatai orang-orang bunuh diri (yang tidak seenaknya mengajak-ajak orang lain) 'Pengecut', 'Pecundang', atau 'Bisanya lari dari kenyataan' pun tidak terasa benar. If I must put my thoughts in words, then I think both staying alive and taking your own life require equally a huge amount of courage. Both staying alive and choosing death are difficult choices with unknown consequences. You never know what will happen next; what tomorrow brings, what kind of things are waiting for you in the afterlife in case it really exists. The only difference is that other (living) people may still see how you end up be―better or worse―if you're alive. Either way, both options come with uncertainty and immense pain.

Mungkin bagi beberapa orang, sakit yang dirasakan ketika mengakhiri hidup sendiri jauh lebih baik dibandingkan rasa sakit yang diderita saat hidup. Dibandingkan ketakutan dan kecemasan menghadapi hari esok. Dibandingkan disiksa keputusasaan yang kerap datang berkunjung. Dibandingkan digerogoti rasa tak berdaya, tak bermakna, tak berguna, tak punya tempat keberadaan. Sebab tidak semua orang bisa dengan lantang dan berapi-api mengatakan, "Hiduplah untuk dirimu sendiri!"

Every night and morning I count things acting as 'strings' binding me to this world; people I still want to meet (even if many of them don't want to see me or they are simply out of reach), books I haven't read, ongoing TV or manga series I haven't known the ending yet, weekly-updated variety shows of my favorite groups, upcoming concerts I haven't gone to...

"I want to go somewhere with mom and sis on Christmas holiday."

"The guest star for next week's VS Arashi is Higashide Masahiro I have to watch it."

"When will Nozaki dan Chiyo be a couple there's no way I won't witness it happen!"

"Yakusoku no Neverland latest chapter is sooooo cliffhanger what will happen to Emma I NEED TO KNOW."

"That person said it's OK to watch a movie together this Friday."

"It's one month away from ONE OK ROCK Ambitions Live in Singapore and I bought the ticket already. I. Must. Go."

"The cat food I ordered from Tokopedia hasn't arrived..." 

"I want to see that person again."

Silly, I know. Yet, they are my 'strings'. My binding. So that I can sleep and wake up and slap my cheeks as I look at my own reflection on the mirror, saying, "One more day. One more week. One more month". Perhaps those people who eventually commit suicide are unable to find any string giving them reasons to live, or they just doesn't seem important anymore. And as devastating as it is, it feels.. completely human. Frankly speaking, there is always a possibility that the day when those things won't matter much to me may come, too. 

But at least, for now, they work.

Oh iya, hampir lupa. Box set Fullmetal Alchemist terbitan Viz Media yang saya idam-idamkan sejak masih kuliah juga belum terbeli. Sepertinya masih perlu pasang kalender 2018 di kamar.

z. d. imama


  1. i do agree. don't judge someone's choice because we don't know the options they have to choose from. being in a phase of depression and suicidal thoughts not too long ago i learn how to tame it without repressing it. damn hard but yes i carefully chose which "strings" worth this despair for me to go on with my life.

  2. Reading this, I feel like giving you a hug. You must be a very tough girl.