Friday, 30 January 2015

"Someone out there...."

It's now the third time you say that.

You, always, said the same line over and over and over and over and over like a broken record. And I memorized them all. I remember the first time. We went to a wedding reception of a mutual friend and I couldn't help but feeling acutely envious of the happy couple. I wanted to be happy for them, I swear to god I really did, but the memories of never once having another person reciprocate my feelings for them stroke me like a tidal wave and they suffocated me: I recalled that time when a cute guy I liked in school threw away his backpack out of disgust because I moved it from his desk during cleaning hours; the rejection I got in sophomore year―he said I was too nerdy and far less pretty than his ideals; one day I casually asked a friend to kiss me because I just wanted to know how it feels like.. and 'waiting for the right person' sounds like a distorted delusion.

I still remember the second time. I came knocking on your door uninvited and just stood there, as droplets of tears fell onto the floor from my cheeks and my chin and I apologized profusely for turning to you out of the blue. I couldn't name anyone else. So I was there. In front of your door. I smelled like dust and dirt and exhaust fumes from the street. I looked ugly―just like what they told me repeatedly.

"It's okay. Don't worry. Someone out there loves you. Someone. Somewhere. Someday."

And every time you say that, my heart breaks into a million more pieces. I don't understand. Why does it have to be 'somewhere'? Why not here, in this jam-packed and shitty city where I live miserably, instead of a place I can't even point out? Why does it have to be 'someday'? Why not now, or tomorrow, or yesterday, or a week ago? Why does it have to be 'someone out there'? Who the hell actually knows me out there? Why not... why can't you?

Why don't you love me?

You're always saying it as though you're out of the picture. Sounding like this doesn't involve you. Despite everything, despite all the time we've spent being close to each other, you always seemed so distant. Are you trying to convey that it's a one-sided feeling again for me? That I don't matter to you the way you matter to me? That's why you want me to look for whatever kind of love I'm after from 'someone out there'... because you have none? If that is what it is, then I don't mind. Really. I mean it. From the very start, you are not obligated to care about―let alone love―me.

But please.

Stop saying delusive things like, "Someone out there loves you". Because if you, who manage to see the most of me until this very second, are unable to do that, why would anyone else be?

z. d. imama

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