Happy birthday, me.

The title says it all.  

So, yeah.

Today is my birthday.

Another year added to my gear. And I've been counting all the things I hold dear. It's not a lot, but it's also not just a single plot. The greatest thing about being a December-born person is that, in a way, your birthday feels like the concluding event of the year. The encore of a show that you run solitarily. You know, like a Spotify Wrapped but make it your own life. You can look back on what you've been through during the whole twelve months and reminisce things like, "Probably I spent 267 hours crying, 2500 hours fangirling, and 198 hours overthinking all night while listening to Taylor Swift's Midnights album" or "May was truly the month when I felt the shittiest about myself, rating 0 out of 5" or "Holy shit COVID-19 got me twice this year and it happened on the first and the last month as if it is an opening and ending theme for my 2022".

Throughout my life, how I think about my own birthday and react to it varied. They changed and evolved. Not gonna lie, there was a time when I thought birthdays only mean you were getting closer to death, which leads to the conclusion that birthdays are not something that should be celebrated. It's not exactly a 'wrong' thought, since we undoubtedly walk towards death the moment we are born, but that's such a bleak take for something that will definitely happen once a year. It didn't spark joy at all.

There was also a very, very long period when I dislike my birthday because it reminds me of those birthday parties and celebrations I couldn't have because of my family's financial situation. And maybe because I didn't have enough friends, or 'cliques'. And maybe because deep down, there was this feeling of shame lingering around. My schoolmates always had nice birthday parties; good clothes, good food, and good gifts. What my family could afford was far from those 'standards' I have seen multiple times, and I didn't want my day to be compared. Kids are shallow, you see. We want the same things our peers have, and I tried my best to be a 'good, understanding child' who never asks for anything her parents cannot obtain. Thus "nice birthday parties" become my what-ifs, my longtime fancy, my dream that never came true. I buried that wish so deep and it turned into thorns in my flesh. 

Now I think having your birthday, again and again, means you didn't die. Not yet, at least. I haven't made up my mind about how to feel on this particular day. I don't hate it anymore, but it's not like I can shout "Yaaay! My birthday!!!" from the rooftop gleefully. It's quite an awkward relationship. We're still on the 'bridging the gap and testing the boundaries' term.

But I want to stand tall and accept the fact that I'll only be getting older like a champ. I want to be proud that I've lived all these decades, learning, de-learning, and re-learning things as I go. Maybe I didn't always do my best, but I want to believe I did enough. I did what I could, while dealing with whatever shit I was feeling at that time. And I want to be grateful simply for being alive. As Stephen King wrote, "The good thing about being old is that you don't have to worry about dying young".

That's what I want.

I want those days when I feel relieved I didn't die young to come.

Flowers from me to me, because why not?

Today, I am no longer whatever age written beside my name for the last 12 months. I also will never be 25 again, which means I will never get married at the same age as my mother. I will never give birth to a child at the same age as my mother. I am officially strengthening my foothold in the demographic segmentation to whom society LOVES to ask the ultimate question: "Kapan nikah??"

Or they will simply talk and gossip behind my back. Whispering that there must be something wrong with my personality, because I fall right into "Udah umur segitu kok ya belum nikah-nikah" pool. They will question the overall standards I hold for people and give advice like "Kamu tuh mbok ya jangan terlalu pemilih". Society will see me as an unfortunate person because my marriage status remains unchecked. There will be people who compare girls like me to leftovers, to spoilt milk, to anything else but a human being. They say I have less value now because I cannot get any younger.

But that, is not true at all.

I don't feel I become less of a human by getting older.

I still feel like myself. My way of thinking, my personal traits, my knowledge, my experiences, and everything else that makes me "Me" are still mine. I still love all the things I've been loving for the past years: books, music, comics, taking a bus ride with no particular destination, strolling around the city, all that stuff. And I hope to keep it that way. I don't wanna let them dictate how to see my personal worth. If society thinks I no longer have the appeal to be loved by other people, I will prove them wrong by loving and respecting myself better. Probably won't be an easy fight in the long run, but I'm used to picking the trickier road and walking it.

It will be okay.

I should be okay.

Once again, happy birthday, me.

Live long, prosper, and be happier than ever.

Amen.

z. d. imama